Yesterday I finally had the surgery for my hyperparathyroidism, which was diagnosed back in October, but then an ankle injury derailed me for the entire winter (and then, y’know… there was this pandemic thing that cropped up).

One of the nice things about this particular surgery is that you know almost immediately if it was effective. My PTH level pre-surgery was 260 pg/ml (normal range is 15-75). My intraoperative level (right after they took out that problem parathyroid gland) was 29 pg/ml. So that’s very good, and hopefully I will start to see a relief of symptoms immediately as well. Since some of the symptoms of hyperparathyroidism are depression, anxiety, and fatigue… I’m REALLY hoping that happens.

I have a tendency to write haiku when I’m coming off anesthesia. It’s… a thing. The first thing I remember as I was coming back around was someone saying ‘blah blah blah Inconceivable blah blah.’ I remember trying really hard to say ‘You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.’ But I still had my oxygen mask on at that point, and I don’t think my mouth was working like it should.

However, it definitely informed my recovery haiku:

Recovery haiku #1, 10am (Surgery ended around 9:30am)

Like Westley, alive.
Still feeling mostly dead, though.
Inconceivable?

Recovery haiku #2, 10:15am

First thought waking up
Was a quote from Princess Bride.
Guess that I’m still me.

In any event, I am recovering (well enough that Marie and I have started drafting Chapter 14 today), and I will end up with a wicked-looking scar from this.

So of course, I needed to come up with explanations for the scar that were more interesting than “Parathyroid surgery. No, not thyroid. Parathyroid. They have nothing to do with each other, except that the parathyroid glands hang out around (and sometimes inside?!) the thyroid gland. Anyways, one of mine lost its chill, so it had to go.”

With that in mind, here is Alyc’s Scar Origin Stories, an Incomplete List:

1. Cut myself shaving — with Occam’s Razor.
2. Let’s just say, I do NOT recommend “The Pit & the Pendulum: The Live Action Experience” at Universal Studios.
3. Time Machine. Whitechapel. You do the math.
4. Got held hostage by a bad guy with gujin string. BUT, it finally goaded me to confess to my soulmate after fifteen years of dancing around each other, so it all worked out.
5. Archaeology is a lot more dangerous than the movies would have you believe.
6. Untitled goose attack.
7. Pet tiger. She’s got glamour claw tips now, so it probably won’t happen again.
8. It’s the zipper on my alien suit. This is why you shouldn’t buy off-the-rack.
9. When the sign says, “You must be this height or lower to ride this ride,” they are NOT joking.
10. Paper cut. Don’t ask.
11. I played Harlan Thrombey in a community theater production of Knives Out. I’m a method actor. 
12. I pissed off the Queen of Hearts. Barely made it out of Wonderland with my life.
13. I attended the tale of Sweeny Todd a little TOO well.
14. I was Ned Stark in a previous life.
15. I was Catelyn Stark in a previous life.
16. I was Marie Antoinette in a previous life.
17. I was Princess Sidana of Meara in a previous life (that one’s a deep cut. Heh.)
18. I was [insert beheaded/neck slashed character] in a previous life.
19. I was the final girl in a real life slasher movie.
20. CIA chip implant. Don’t believe me? THAT’S JUST WHAT THE DEEP STATE WANTS!
21. Botched my dodge roll.
22. I’m actually a living Pez dispenser.
23. I used to be an adventurer, but then I took an arrow to the neck.
24. When Gimli said, “And my AXE!” I did not expect this was what he meant.
25. Laser security grid at the Umbrella Corporation.
26. Corporate team building exercise gone awry. Can’t say more because of the NDA.
27. Let’s just say my publisher takes book promotion preparation VERY SERIOUSLY.
28. The Flying Spaghetti Monster touched me with their noodly appendage. Turns out, they’re sharp.
29. Night of a hundred-thousand ninja. I was a hedge. There was an overzealous gardner. It was a whole thing.
30. You know, you indulge in your curiosity about auto-erotic asphyxiation ONE TIME…
31. Never juggle razorwire on a dare. Or at all, really.
32. Took a bottle to the neck in a Froghole riot.
33. Sword of Damocles EPIC FAIL.
34. Marie likes to work out all our combats using live steel. I have short arms.
35. It’s my Eazy-Peel Crease.
36. Assassin. I gave him a bad day.
37. Assassin boyfriend. I gave him a good day… I HAVE A TYPE, OKAY?! (I miss that game).
38. I took the 90s Reach Toothbrush commercial at its word and got a flip-top head.
39. I got tired of men telling me I should smile more.
40. I was the original muse for Washington Irving’s woman with the diamond band, Alexandre Dumas’ woman with the velvet necklace, Ann McGovern’s woman with the velvet ribbon, and Alvin Schwartz’s Jenny with the green ribbon… WHY ARE AUTHORS SO OBSESSED WITH BEHEADED WOMEN?!
41. Fuck it. I’m a dullahan.

This post originally appeared on Alyc Helms’s website.